i hit rockbottom......again

Today I started my day with 3 chocolate chip cookies and french toasted buttered up.  At 10am, when I thought i was going to die from being so exhausted, I drank half of my husband's tall iced mocha.  I had one year of amazingness.  Then at 1pm i crashed....hard.  Took a one hour nap, woke up to a screaming baby and then was fighting to survive the rest of the day.  I called my husband at 2:15 to ask where he was b/c i just wasnt going to make it.  It is 8:30pm and I think i have to crawl into bed.

I had a mini FB convo with my brother, who, LOVES to workout, follow the paleo diet and is currently in a carb coma b/c he had a huge plate of pasta.  Well he NEVER eats pasta and is running 10 miles tomorrow.  This is all commendable stuff.  He looks great and probably feels great, too.

I, on the other hand, feel like shit.  I am chasing around a 13 month old with an endless supply of energy who is transition to one nap (which is another nightmare in and of itself).  And what do i eat for breakfast....crap.  Sometimes i just get so frustrated with the monotony of the day that I dont think i can carry on.  Like the only thing i have to look forward to is a chocolate chip cookie, buttered bread, hot fudge sundae....whatever.  I mean, seriously!  My son is a happy and healthy little man who makes me smile (and tires me out) and i have a very wonderful marriage and relationship to my true love, my soulmate and the man of my dreams.  So what gives.

It truly is a vicious cycle.  I am roughly 20 lbs overweight.  Now is some people's eyes that is not considered overweight, but when you are only 5'3" it is a lot of extra weight to carry on a smaller frame.  Granted about 10 of those pounds are babyweight...but enough with the excuses already.  But I think the problem is that I am looking at this as 20lbs that I need to lose wich will probably take me 3 months...Thats a long time!  How can i possibly eat healthy and count calories for that long.  So i eat well for a week, feel better, then treat myself to some delicious ice cream , candy, fries...whatever and then I lose a whole week b/c i just go back to my poor eating habits.

I have to stop thinking of this as a temporary fix and lifestyle change.  I mean, i try to prepare the healthiest things for my son.  Why cant i do the same for myself.  I am worth something.

Why do I hate myself?

There has to got to be some deep seeded reason why I cant lose weight.  Maybe cant isnt the right word, maybe a better word is "wont".  I am constantly trying every trick there is...hoping, waiting for some spark to go off in my brain.  If I buy new workout clothes...will that help?  If I treat myself to something at the end of losing 5 lbs...will that help? If I eat this big ice cream sundae and eat french fries...will that help?  No, no and a big fat NO!!!!  I am so tired of feeling this way and being in this awful cycle.  Get stressed, eat fatty foods, get sad, eat a slice of cake (or two).  Something has gotta give.

So let the positivity begin.  I am worth something.  I care about my health and my body.  I want to be healthy and sexy and fit into all my jeans.  I can do this.

major detour

the road to 30 came and went in a blink of an eye....oh, and I weigh the exact same amount I did 6 months ago.  Sweet.  what can possibly motivate me at this time?  I know that people think I am fat.  I mean, I think i'm fat.  I saw a picture of myself and it was none to pretty.  Do you know what it feels like to not be able to wear shorts all summer b/c you dont fit into them and you refuse to buy new ones.  Pretty fucking horrible.  Oh and then you run out of gym shorts to wear so you put your husband's on. Ouch.  Well time to kick it into gear.  Whatever that means.  My question is:  am I always destined to be a buck 50?