little minds at work

Enjoyed playgroup at our house today.  Tired of driving all over the the state of Colorado, I decided to invite a few friends over on Mondays to hang and eat some treats.  It gives me an excuse to bake and lets Colby explore sharing his toys.  With the exception of one time-out (for hitting me, of course), he did great.  At first he wasn't sure if it was OK if anyone play at his house :)  We are enjoying a rainy Monday afternoon here.  Can't wait to get outside and test out the new Patagonia raincoat...wishing I hadn't returned my hot pink wellies

If you're miserable, maybe you should work in a soup kitchen.

The cliche, "life is what you make of it", probably has some truths.  I guess what I really want to hear is, "life doesn't have to be so damn complicated".   Things should be simple.  I am complicating things too much.  I just want to feel loved.  I just want to feel happy. Just save the dunes, man.  Its that simple.

Day 2

This morning, early afternoon was great.  The protein pancake proved to be quite filling and I was good to go straight through to lunch (although I did eat 1/2 grapefruit right before lunch).

Then dinner hit and I was REALLY hungry.  I had a few bites of pasta and a hand full of crackers.  I was starving.  I suppose I could have had a really big glass of water but I was SO HUNGRY that I need to chew on something. 

I really wanted to give up again.  It was close.  I just feel really fat.  I feel disgusting and I feel like this is the most worthless diet ever and it is never going to work.  But minus the above mentioned snafus, I perserverd.  I just can't give up.  This plan was $150.  If I give up it will be a huge waste.  MUST. GO. ON.

Day 1 of the 7 days from hell

Today was...difficult.  I was SO hungry!  I had a spinach/tomato egg white scramble for breakfast, grapefruit for snack, veggie burger celery and some lettuce for lunch.  Protein shake made with vanilla protein powder, almond milk, ice and a TBSp of almond butter (it wasnt half bad).  Dinner was veggie burger and roasted asparagus.  Snack was greek yogurt with truvia and cinnamon.  I survived....BARELY.  6 more days to go. 

I think part of the difficulty is the withdrawal from sugar and the want of constant snacking.  I always want to be munching on something.  So it is important for me to stay distracted.  Today was a lovely day so colbs and I spent a good portion of the morning at the park.

Really, I always want to give up.  Today I had to talk myself out "quitting"about ten times.  This thought popped into my head frequently, "just stuff your face today, you will start tomorrow".  For a moment, I felt enlightened.  I dont want to screw today up and start all over tomorrow.  By the end of tomorrow, I want to have 2 days down and move on with my life.  It will just get easier and easier.

My numbers this morning were less than stellar. 156 on the scale, and embarrassment of measurements followed shortly thereafter.  It pains me to think that around thanksgiving I was in the 130s, only to be in the 150s.  Just horrible.  BUT, I am not going to dwell on it b/c today I was strong and I got thru day 1.  Tomorrow is a new day and I get to try out a new protein pancake recipes.  Excited!

boo monday morning

Monday morning struggles. Tired, still in my pajamas, ZERO motivation. Skipped my workout, cancelled my wax appt. ugh all I want to do is sleep....I am so tired. Raisin bran and chocolate milk for breakfast. Not the bfast of champions. It goes to show you, you are what you eat. So that makes me a sugary, chocolate mess....who can't seem to get out of her pjs.

All I want to do is be a winner.

All I want to do is be a winner.  All I've ever wanted to do is be a winner, be successful, feel like I am accomplishing and excelling.  The one thing in my life that I have never had a grip on is my body, my weight, feeling and looking comfortable in my clothes.  This is the story: I love food.  Scratch that, I LOVE sweets.  I would (and sometimes do) eat them morning noon and night.  I was a serious athlete all my life.  I never had to worry about my weight.  I was always toned and muscular.  What I am grappling with now is that I have the heart and the drive of an athlete with the body of a couch potato.  I am tired of wearing sweats and I am tired of starting on Monday.</p><p>I am 30 1/2.  Everyone says that your metabolism slows at 30.  The truth is that, well, the truth hurts.  And while I dont feel doomed to live with a less than stellar metabolism, I am struggling with a body post 30 and post baby.  You have to work harder and make better nutrition decisions.  AND, you can work as hard as you want, but if you continually put shit in your mouth you will look and feel like shit.</p><p>I bought the tone it up program at a steep $150.  What I got was 119 pages that I had to put in a binder that I also had to buy.  Then i had to spend a bunch of money on food that I didnt have.  I am set to start the 7 day slim down monday or tuesday.  I have high hopes for this program b/c I have literally tried everything else.  I am hoping that this is the last time I ever have to talk about my "weight loss journey".  It gets old.</p><p>Watch me on this journey.  I am a winner and all I want to do is succeed.</

i hit rockbottom......again

Today I started my day with 3 chocolate chip cookies and french toasted buttered up.  At 10am, when I thought i was going to die from being so exhausted, I drank half of my husband's tall iced mocha.  I had one year of amazingness.  Then at 1pm i crashed....hard.  Took a one hour nap, woke up to a screaming baby and then was fighting to survive the rest of the day.  I called my husband at 2:15 to ask where he was b/c i just wasnt going to make it.  It is 8:30pm and I think i have to crawl into bed.

I had a mini FB convo with my brother, who, LOVES to workout, follow the paleo diet and is currently in a carb coma b/c he had a huge plate of pasta.  Well he NEVER eats pasta and is running 10 miles tomorrow.  This is all commendable stuff.  He looks great and probably feels great, too.

I, on the other hand, feel like shit.  I am chasing around a 13 month old with an endless supply of energy who is transition to one nap (which is another nightmare in and of itself).  And what do i eat for breakfast....crap.  Sometimes i just get so frustrated with the monotony of the day that I dont think i can carry on.  Like the only thing i have to look forward to is a chocolate chip cookie, buttered bread, hot fudge sundae....whatever.  I mean, seriously!  My son is a happy and healthy little man who makes me smile (and tires me out) and i have a very wonderful marriage and relationship to my true love, my soulmate and the man of my dreams.  So what gives.

It truly is a vicious cycle.  I am roughly 20 lbs overweight.  Now is some people's eyes that is not considered overweight, but when you are only 5'3" it is a lot of extra weight to carry on a smaller frame.  Granted about 10 of those pounds are babyweight...but enough with the excuses already.  But I think the problem is that I am looking at this as 20lbs that I need to lose wich will probably take me 3 months...Thats a long time!  How can i possibly eat healthy and count calories for that long.  So i eat well for a week, feel better, then treat myself to some delicious ice cream , candy, fries...whatever and then I lose a whole week b/c i just go back to my poor eating habits.

I have to stop thinking of this as a temporary fix and lifestyle change.  I mean, i try to prepare the healthiest things for my son.  Why cant i do the same for myself.  I am worth something.